True

"People stay married because they want to, not because the doors are locked."

~ Paul Newman

A Good Marriage Must Be Created

A letter from Paul Newman to his bride, Joanne Woodward on their wedding day.  Every single person deserves to love and be loved like this.


"Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created. In the art of marriage, the little things are the big things. It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say 'I love you' at least once a day. It is never going to sleep angry. It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, it should continue through all the years. It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives. It is standing together facing the world. It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family. It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have wings of an angel. It is not looking for perfection in each other. It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding room for the things of the spirit. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal. It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner."

 

http://www.relationship-essentials.com/finding-love/paul-newmans-letter-to-his-wife-on-their-wedding-day/

 

 

Good Advice?

Shit or Get Off The Pot: Jon’s Long Distance Relationship Dilemma

While some song writers may say all you need is love, resident relationship expert Brooke knows men can also benefit from a swift kick in the pants from the boot of knowledge. Check out her no holds barred advice for a reader confused about the transition from a mostly digital to a mostly long distance relationship.

By Brooke Miller

Dear Brooke,

I was recently in California for a month doing a program at The School of The Arts. While there I saw a girl (also in the program) who was absolutely beautiful, but I never introduced myself. After coming home, a group formed on Facebook so we could all keep in touch—so I found the girl, we became Facebook friends, and now we’re talking quite a bit through text messaging, etc.

She lives in Texas and I’m in TN. I’m not big on long distance, but I thoroughly enjoy the conversations I have with this girl and we both flirt quite a bit. If I’m not looking for a long distance relationship, how should I handle the situation? Should we talk as strictly friends? Keep flirting? Try to make it work?

Thanks in advance for the advice

-Long Distance Jon

Dear LDJ,

I love your honesty. I love that you wrote in to ask me about this situation. And I love that your crush has sent you into a tizzy of hesitation and uncertainty…kinda. You’re love-struck and all over the place sweetheart, so I’m going to need to get real with you…big time.

Ready? Here it is, no BS…

You were kind of a pussy about introducing yourself and becoming friends with her in real life (I get it, she’s hot and scary, blah blah), and now you’re communicating over the computer and text message which is pretty much a pussy kind of way of communicating if you actually want to connect with someone (sometimes modern isn’t the way to go), and to top it off, you’re pretty much being a pussy about making something happen or not.

Here’s the deal darlin’…in less than 140 characters: Shit or get off the pot. Seriously.

I’m not saying you have to either marry her or never talk to her again…I’m saying that it’s time you realize that by talking to and flirting with a girl states away, you are actually starting a long distance relationship. So, either admit it and sign up, or don’t, and move on. Simple as that.

Beautiful, kind, creative, worth-a-long-distance-relationship kind of girls already have lots of friends…she doesn’t need another one. So put the ‘let’s flirt and text ourselves into a lifelong friendship’ idea out of your mind, like yesterday.

If you’re continuing to flirt and talk while knowing that you have no intention of committing yourself if things build, then please bounce ASAP and save everyone the heartache. It’s not worth it. You’ll waste everyone’s time while making yourself look like a tease.

Don’t, especially under my watch, become the guy who accidentally gets himself into a relationship that he knew he never wanted, only to hurt someone in the end. You’re too smart for that. Yes, smart. I said it. Here’s how I know…

You say you’re not looking for a long distance relationship, but the issue is… If you weren’t open to this turning into a long distance relationship you never would have written into me…

You’re looking for me to give you permission to do something that you used to say you would never do, that you told your friends you would never do, that you don’t know how to do, and that you’re afraid to do.

You’ve convinced yourself that you’re not a long distance relationship kind of guy…noble enough. But, now you’ve met someone that you may just want to break that rule for, and you want me to tell you to go for it, that it’s OK to break your rules. So Jon…go for it, break your rules. Seriously.

Talk, flirt, text, send her flowers and emails and mixed tapes, fall for her, go visit her, have phone sex…whatever floats your boat. Then, see what happens. Maybe something. Maybe nothing. Maybe maybe maybe.

No matter what happens, we know a few things for sure. First: You’re into her. And second: Somewhere along the line you decided that long distance relationships are not for you. So, my advice? First: Don’t be afraid of beautiful girls. And second: There’s always someone worth breaking your rules for.

Being a pussy is not about being vulnerable, it’s about being afraid of vulnerability. So stop being a pussy, and start listening to your gut. You might get hurt (survival rate is high), you might marry her (it happens). You’ll never know unless you jump in…with both feet.

Thanks for being you,

B.

 

 

http://www.primermagazine.com/2010/love/soapbox-therapy-long-distance-relationship

Long Distance Marriage

Long-Distance Marriage

By Francesca Di Meglio

 

When people dream of marrying their beloved, they rarely imagine living apart. But sometimes long-distance marriage is unavoidable. Think about those in the military, who have to leave behind spouses when they are deployed. There are those who have to live on different coasts or in different states because of their jobs. Of course, family obligations, such as an ill parent, sometimes cause one spouse to live far from the other. Some famous couples have experienced long-distance marriages, including Giuliana and Bill Rancic, who lived in Los Angeles and Chicago respectively in the early days of their union, and Salma Hayek and François-Henri Pinault, who live between Europe and the States and are not always on the same continent.

Even if it is temporary, long-distance marriage can be grueling. Not every couple can handle the difficulties of separation. But an adjustment to your mindset - the way you think of marriage - and a plan for staying connected might be enough to keep your marriage strong despite the distance. Here is what you can do:

Throw out your expectations.

Yes, once upon a time, man married woman, they set up house, started a family, and were happily together for the rest of their days. That was then. Now, the world is smaller. You and your spouse might have even met while you were living in separate countries or your work has always taken you the world over. So, forget the old rules of marriage and don't waste any time worrying about how your life and marriage don't fit into any mold.

Consider yourself lucky to have found someone who goes far away - presumably, meets other people - and still chooses to be with you and vice versa. Dumping one's expectations of what marriage is supposed to be is a smart move for any couple, even those that live under the same roof all the time. After all, no one can ever live up to expectations. As a result, disappointment will follow.

Set rules.

Part of what gets couples in trouble when living separately is that there is no way to enforce rules of marriage. It's a given that married people should not go on dates with those who are not their spouse. But things can get complicated when you're not living in the same place. For example, your husband might accept a female colleague's invitation to happy hour because he knows the gang from work will be there and there is no one home with him. The woman might see the evening as a date. Setting rules with which you're both comfortable and both have to follow can eliminate some of these misunderstandings. One rule might be to never accept a female's invitation to an obvious social outing. Another might be to always wear your wedding ring or inform your spouse of your whereabouts. Nowadays, you have phone, text, and e-mail, so you can definitely stay connected, unless you are in the military and safety precludes you from speaking to civilians. The point is that you have to discuss and determine rules that work for you. When in doubt, spell things out. Get into the littlest details, so there can be no confusion. If ever you stumble into a situation and you're not sure how your spouse would feel about it, just ask him or her. Then, proceed.

Stay in touch.

Couples who live together can grow apart, which means it's that much easier for couples who live separately to move in different directions. One way to prevent this from happening is to stay connected. That means you might decide to talk to each other at least twice a day. Stick to such a goal. Use Skype or a video chat service whenever you can, so you can see each other. Use other technology to supplement when it is impossible to participate in a video chat. Of course, be flexible. If your wife is busy at work one day and texts you instead of calling or chatting via video like she normally does, cut her some slack. What's important is not to let texts become a habit. If you can't talk much one day, then plan to talk a little more the next day.

Make the most of your conversations by sharing the details of your day. Discuss what is happening at work and at home. Tell each other about friends and family you might have seen. Express your feelings for one another often because it is the only intimacy you have at the moment. You can try phone sex or cyber sex if you'd like, but don't be disappointed if it's not feasible or pleasurable for you. It doesn't work for everyone. Some find it creepy or unfulfilling. And that's fine. Just make up for the lack of intimacy whenever you are under the same roof. The one benefit of living separately is that you never seem to take for granted those moments together.

Make a big deal of little things.

When you're apart, you might feel all alone despite being married. Making a big deal of little things can help your partner still feel as though you are supporting him or her. For instance, send an encouraging e-card when your husband has a meeting about which he is worried. Or send flowers to your wife just because. These gestures also keep the romance alive and remind your spouse that he or she is number one in your heart even if you're far apart physically. Of course, don't forget to make a big deal of big things, too. Don't forget birthdays and anniversaries just because you're not in the same house with a constant reminder. Make sure that you keep your spouse on your mind and in your heart all the time. And let him or her know it every so often.

Be faithful.

No one should have to remind you that you're married. But sometimes, especially when you're not living with your spouse, you might need to hear it. You are married. Therefore, you cannot date other people, kiss other people, have sex with other people, etc. Some spouses find it is best to avoid what some might call innocent flirtation with other people. For goodness sake, never allow a relationship with a member of the opposite sex turn into an emotional affair. Even if you're not touching each other, you can still be hurting your spouse and damaging your marriage. Of course, temptations are greater when spouses are not in the same home. There is no denying that any kind of affair would be easier to pull off if you're not living with your spouse. That doesn't make it right, nor does it mean the affair won't have an effect on your relationship. You could lose everything. If you are the type who has trouble staying faithful, you should not have gotten married in the first place. But if you are this type and you are now married, then don't put yourself in a situation where you're away from your spouse for long periods of time. As for others, you are not immune to temptation just because you've always been faithful. But you can avoid temptation, fight it, and make a pact with your partner and yourself to stay true to your vows. Living separately, after all, will never work if one of you is unfaithful.

Face jealousy head on.

Remember that both of you will also have to combat jealousy whenever you know your spouse is out and about and you're not there. Be ready for it. Be honest with each other about everything, so that it is easier for your spouse to fight the jealousy. So, if you decide to go to happy hour with that female colleague who invited you, tell your wife about it immediately. Let her know this is what you are going to be doing. Tell her about the person who asked and tell her that this woman will be with you. If you're going together and will be alone in the car, let your wife know. If your wife doesn't like the idea, discuss it. And be willing to cancel the appointment with this woman. Your wife has a right to be a part of this decision. Always, put yourself in your spouse's shoes. What would you do if he or she came to you with a similar request? Would you be jealous? Asking these kinds of questions can help you make a decision that puts your marriage first.

http://newlyweds.about.com/od/Tips/a/Long-Distance-Marriage.htm

Making a change...?

Don't focus on what you have to lose -- Focus on what you will gain!!




Is Fear Holding You Back? Try This

Heidi Grant Halvorson, Ph.D.

You hate your job, but you are afraid to look for a new one, or (gasp!) change careers altogether. Or the relationship you are in isn't making you happy, but you are afraid to leave it. Or you are single and lonely, but you're too afraid to get out there and start dating. Does any of this sound familiar? I'll bet it does.

Americans have a well-earned reputation for risk taking, but these days we are something of a timid lot. Our reluctance to stick our collective neck out has everything to do with the psychology of motivation -- specifically, how we think about the goals we pursue. The problem, in a nutshell, is simply this: when making decisions, many of us have been focused much more on what we have to lose than on what we might gain.

Whenever you see your goals -- whether they are professional or personal -- in terms of what you have to lose, you have what's called a prevention focus. When you are prevention-focused, you want to stay safe, avoid mistakes, and fulfill your responsibilities. You want to hang on to what you've already got and keep things running smoothly. You aren't open to taking chances, even when that chance is a chance for happiness. If fear is holding you back, odds are you've been thinking only in terms of prevention.

If, instead, you see your goals in terms of what you might gain, you have what's called a promotion focus. Promotion focus is about getting ahead, maximizing your potential, and reaping the rewards. It's about never missing an opportunity for a win, even when doing so means taking a leap of faith.

In my new book with Tory Higgins, Focus: Use Different Ways of Seeing The World For Success and Influence, we describe two decades of research showing how being promotion- or prevention-focused leads to having different strengths and weaknesses. For instance, having a promotion focus leads to speed, creativity, innovation, and embracing risk, while having a prevention focus leads to accuracy, careful deliberation, thoroughness, and a strong preference for the devil-you-know.

So how can you learn to embrace risk for the sake of your future happiness, particularly when risk taking doesn't come to you naturally? The answer is surprisingly simple: When you think about making a change, focus only on what you have to gain, and banish all thoughts of what you might lose.

For example, you could take a few moments to list all the ways in which you will benefit by making the change. Repeat them to yourself when you feel the fear kicking in. Most importantly, shut out any thoughts about what could go wrong -- just refuse to give them your attention. With practice, this thought-training will become easier and eventually automatic. Taking a chance, believe it or not, can become second nature to you, if you think about your goals in the right way.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/heidi-grant-halvorson-phd/fear-change_b_2963640.html?utm_hp_ref=tw

Why Men Resent Their Wives / Wives! Knock it the Eff Off!!!

The 10 Biggest Reasons Men Resent Their Wives

By Kerry Miller

Despite the picture-perfect impressions we get from upbeat Facebook posts or boastful holiday letters, even the healthiest marriages aren't 100% free of conflict. At some point, virtually everyone feels wronged by a romantic partner. Bob Navarra, PsyD, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), says that those feelings aren't what throw a marriage off course-it's how couples handle them. "While it may be frustrating that the toothpaste cap was left off, happy couples talk about these small things," he says. But when those emotions are swept under the rug, a more toxic variety of negativity begins to fester: resentment. Here, marriage experts share some of the most common reasons husbands resent their wives and how to protect your relationship..

1. Not fighting fair.
Happy couples don't necessarily fight less, Dr. Navarra says; they just fight better, by "describing their own feelings and needs rather than labeling their partner as faulty." And the ball is probably in your court for that. Research shows that wives are more likely to bring up problems for discussion, while husbands are more likely to withdraw at the first sign of an argument. When this keeps happening, women tend to start conversations on a negative note, which only makes things worse. Instead of resorting to personal attacks-"You're such a slob!" "We're going to be late because of you!"-which lead to defensiveness, Dr. Navarra recommends sticking to "I-statements," such as "When (this happens), I feel (frustrated, angry). What I needed was..."

2. Treating him like a child.
"A big issue I see in couples is a man resenting his partner because he feels she talks down to him," says Mary Kelleher, LMFT. This can leave him feeling "less-than," and nothing triggers resentment faster than inadequacy. So avoid threatening his independence-the way pressuring him to go for a promotion so he'll bring home more money may be perceived-suggests couples therapist Vagdevi Meunier, PsyD. "No one wants to feel 'managed' by a spouse," Dr. Meunier says

3. Involving other people in your marriage.
What you might think of as harmless complaining to friends and family can actually break your husband's trust. It threatens the safety of the "couple bubble" you've created together. "Men find this humiliating and hurtful," says Norene Gonsiewski, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), a couples' therapist at the Portland Relationship Center in Oregon. If you really need to vent, consider talking to a doctor or therapist to keep things confidential.

4. Not showing appreciation for thing he does right.
"Men will never ask for it," Gonsiewski says, but regular doses of praise are important. "They need to hear that their wives are proud of them." Scott Haltzman, MD, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women, notes that men tend to be more action-oriented than women, which means they show affection in different ways. "He may empty the dishwasher as a way of saying he cares about you." Haltzman's suggestion: "Pay attention to what he does, and let him know you notice."

5. Withholding sex as punishment.
While women generally need emotional intimacy to make love, men express emotional intimacy through sex, says Marla Taviano, author of Is that All He Thinks About? When a wife turns down sex, in her husband's mind, "she's turning him down as a person," explains Taviano. Using sex as a bargaining chip to get your needs meet isn't negotiating-it's emotional blackmail, which can alienate him. "Withholding sex may make your partner feel less love from you and give you less love in return," says Dr. Haltzman.

6. Trying to change him.
"Every person can change, but it's better to focus on our own changes, rather than our spouse's behaviors," says Anne Ziff, LMFT, author of Marrying Well. And yet, some women see marriage as a starting point for a "husband makeover." This isn't all bad-studies show that married men tend to eat healthier and have fewer problems with drugs and alcohol than single guys-but avoid creating a relationship in which your husband can't be himself. "When a man feels his home is not his castle, and he can't just be a guy-whether it's walking around in his boxers or letting out a burp-he'll feel like he's been put in a box where he has to act prim and proper all the time," Dr. Meunier says. Sometimes, it's smarter to let the little things slide.

7. Making important decisions without his input.
Research shows that money is a top source of disagreements among married couples, even those with bigger budgets. In a lot of ways, money equals power, and balancing power is important to harmonious relationships, Meunier says. Whether you're considering booking a vacation or buying a dishwasher, your partner deserves a say. The same goes for decisions that affect how you and your husband spend your time, such as inviting company over for dinner or signing up your kids for soccer. Although it may seem simpler to beg for forgiveness instead of getting him on board, unilateral decision making can drive you two apart.

8. Not giving him the chance to be the kind of dad he wants to be.
Mothers often parent differently than fathers, but not necessarily better. For instance, some studies show that parenting styles more common with dads, such as rough-and-tumble play, offer children unique developmental benefits. "Men's resentment grows as their children develop with gaps in their competency and independence, two attributes men rate highly," Gonsiewski says. "When a woman doesn't trust her husband to parent she sends a message that he's wrong and only she's right." Instead, "reinforce your husband for the positive contributions he makes to your children's lives," Dr. Haltzman recommends.

9. Acting jealous when he looks at other women.
Men are visual creatures, Dr. Meunier says, so it's not surprising that a typical heterosexual man would notice a good-looking woman. "Women who understand this and don't take it personally minimize unproductive fights about jealousy." When a wife overreacts to a situation, her husband will likely feel defensive, and eventually, resentful. Dr. Meunier's advice? "Chill out." Responding to a visual cue isn't cause for worry, she says-curious comments or behaviors, like dropping your hand to head across the room to talk to another woman, could signify a lack of commitment to you.

10. Expecting immediate forgiveness after you apologize.
Studies show that seeking and granting forgiveness greatly contributes to marital satisfaction and longevity. But beware of empty words. While apologizing manages conflict, Dr. Navarra says a simple "I'm sorry" often isn't enough. To truly earn her husband's forgiveness, a wife needs to show that she understands why her husband is upset. Dr. Haltzman recommends being specific about what you're apologizing for, accepting responsibility for what you did, acknowledging that you what you did was harmful and lastly, asking what you can do to make it up to him. "If you've gotten to the first three steps cleanly, most men will say 'forget about it' to the last question," Dr. Haltzman says.

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/10-biggest-reasons-men-resent-wives-143100288.html