When my friends complain the first thing I tell them is "Don't tell me this!! You can't untell this!" I am a firm believer that the only appropriate public communication about your marriage is positive communication. I believe it is wholly unacceptable and inappropriate to complain about your husband to anyone else. ONLY praise in public, ONLY complain in private. If you're upset with your husband, talk about it with him!
When they continue to complain, I suggest that they just do what their husband says. If the wife wants to go to the bank and the husband wants them to call... Just call! Is it really worth the fight? (Answer: No. No, it is not worth the fight.)
Praise your husband, thank him for caring enough to offer another solution. You don't always have to be right.
We (I) still struggle at times, but I am trying SO HARD to submit to my husband in everything. It is generally very easy to submit to him because I adore him. I love him more than everything in the world. I respect him as a man and as the head of our household and I know that he expresses his ideas and wishes because he wants to make my life happier and easier. He knows what is good for me and he knows what is good for us. I know in my soul he would never have me do anything dangerous or embarrassing. I trust him to do what is best for me and for us. At times it can be difficult to get over my stubbornness and remember my husband is my partner and my leader and he really, truly knows what is best. I pray every day that God will help me to submit because when I do, everything is beautiful. The rare times I don't, there is tumult and in the end either a) he was right all along - or - b) it wasn't worth the argument.
I love my husband, I trust him completely, I have faith in his leadership. God, please help me to remember this and submit joyfully when I get stubborn and want to do things my own way.
Mary Kassian | November 15, 2011
Submission. OOoo . . . that dread “S” word!
This morning I had an
interesting conversation with Rachel Held Evans, who is writing a book on
“A Year of Biblical Womanhood.” Though Rachel and I would
likely disagree on several points regarding the Bible’s teaching on womanhood,
I deeply appreciate the opportunity for us to dialogue and engage on the
topic. Rachel asked me to answer three questions about submission:
- What are some common misconceptions about what it means
to be a “submissive wife.”
- Why might some (think secular audience) be surprised to
learn that you submit to your husband. In other words, how do you yourself
defy the stereotype?
- How long have you been married, and how has submission
worked out practically in your marriage? (In other words, what does it
look like when you submit to your husband?)
Those are excellent questions!
Here’s how I answered her first question, “What are some common
misconceptions about what it means to be a “submissive wife?”
Seven Misconceptions about Submission:
Misconception #1: Submission is universal—the
directive can be applied correctly by all, even those outside of the faith
community.
Christian submission is defined by
the relationship between God the Father and Son. It cannot be properly
understood apart from that mooring. Hence, I believe it is unwise for us to
uphold the instruction for wives to submit themselves to their husbands as an
achievable standard for those outside the faith community. People without the
indwelling power of the Holy Spirit have neither the discernment nor the power
to live out submission and authority in a godly manner.
Misconception #2: Submission
is gender-exclusive—it’s just for women.
Men have a responsibility to submit
too—it’s not just something that’s required of women. EVERY Christian, female
or male, has the responsibility to submit to the Lord, and also to the
authorities the Lord has placed in his or her life. What’s more, the biblical
concepts of submission and authority cannot be disassociated. The two are
indivisibly connected. A biblical definition of submission cannot be understood
apart from a biblical definition of authority.
Misconception #3: Submission
is generic—every woman submits to every man.
The Bible instructs a wife to submit
herself to her own husband; not to
men in general.
Misconception #4: Submission is a right—a husband has
the right to demand his wife’s submission.
A husband does not have the right to
demand or extract submission from his wife. Submission is HER choice—her
responsibility… it is NOT his right!! Not ever. She is to “submit herself”—
deciding when and how to submit is her call. In a Christian marriage, the focus
is never on rights, but on personal responsibility. It’s his responsibility to
be affectionate. It’s her responsibility to be agreeable. The husband’s
responsibility is to sacrificially love as Christ loved the Church—not to make
his wife submit.
Misconception #5: Submission is indiscriminate—it
means mindless acquiescence.
A Christian’s first responsibility
is to submit to the Lord and His standard of righteousness. A wife is not
called to submit to sin, mistreatment, or abuse. The Lord does not want
“weak-willed” women—women who lack the discernment and strength to respond to
the right things and in the right way. Godly women do not submit to sin. They
carefully and intentionally weigh and discern how to submit to sinful human
authority in light of their primary responsibility to submit to the ways of the
Lord. No brain-dead doormats or spineless bowls of Jello here! Submission is
neither mindless nor formulaic nor simplistic. Submitting to the Lord sometimes
involves drawing clear boundaries and enacting consequences when a husband
sins. Submission is an attitude of the heart. A woman can have a submissive
spirit even when saying “no” and refusing to go along with sin.
Misconception #6: Submission precludes mutuality—it
creates lopsided, one-way relationships.
Submission and authority function
hand-in-hand with all the other biblical directives about how Christians ought
to interact with one another. Along with submitting to her husband, a Christian
wife also has the responsibility to be transparent, speak truth, confront sin,
and challenge her husband to ever increasing levels of holiness. As heirs
together of the grace of life, both husband and wife have the responsibility to
love, encourage, and build one another up; and to interact with forbearance,
kindness and humility. Biblical authority and submission contribute to
mutuality, and do not diminish or detract from it. (It’s “both-and” not “either-or.”)
Misconception #7: Submission promotes abuse—it
encourages husbands to be domineering, self-centered boors.
When properly understood and
enacted, the framework of hierarchical relationships within the Christian
community serves a protective function, because every authority is
accountable to a higher authority. This community structure encourages husbands
to fulfill their responsibility to love as Christ loves, and holds them to
account when they don’t. It fosters Christlikeness and prevents abuse. A wife
whose husband is abusive can appeal to higher authorities for intervention and
protection. It is the responsibility of the authorities to protect and seek the
good of all those under their care.
Defying the Stereotype
Rachel’s second question was “Why might
some (think secular audience) be surprised to learn that you submit to your
husband. In other words, how do you yourself defy the stereotype?
My answer:
My husband takes his responsibility
to love me as Christ loves the Church seriously. I take my responsibility to
submit to him seriously. That means that I am cherished and have a voice. That
means that he is respected and supported. I work with him, and pull in the same
direction. Some might be surprised that I believe in submission because my marriage
displays a unity, intimacy, and mutuality that is deep, profound and enviable.
I am flourishing. I have what most women want. And it is a great paradox how it
is has been achieved. The way of faith is the way of paradox: lose your life to
live it, give to receive. It is also a great paradox that honoring God’s
pattern for authority and submission in marriage fosters unity and mutuality.
What Does Submission Look Like?
Rachel’s third question was
“How long have you been married, and how has submission worked out practically
in your marriage? (In other words, what does it look like when you submit to
your husband?)
My answer:
I’ve been married for 29 years—“just
getting going” says my mom, who’s been married for 62.
“What it looks like” is a difficult
question, since submission is not something foreign—not something “other”—to
the character of a redeemed woman. Submission is not as much an “action” as it
is an “attitude.” So it can’t be dictated by behavioral prescriptives.
Submission boils down to a having spirit of amenability. It means being soft,
receptive, responsive, and agreeable. Because of the misconceptions surrounding
the definition of submission, I actually prefer to use the term “amenability.”
Amenability comes from the French amener (to lead). An amenable woman is
“leadable” as opposed to “ungovernable” She’s responsive to input and likely to
cooperate. Amenability is part of the three-fold womanly disposition of 1 Peter
3:4-5, which includes gentleness, calmness, and amenability—which works itself
out in a married woman’s life in submission to her husband.
So “what it looks like” on an
on-going basis, is that I am soft, receptive, and agreeable toward my husband.
I love responding to his lead. I respect who God created him to be as a man—and
support his efforts to provide godly oversight for our family. I respect the
position of responsibility that goes along with being a husband and
father. “Respect” is probably the best word to describe what submission looks
like in my marriage.
For me, submission is one of those
things that is far more easily identified by its absence rather than its
presence. I know that I am struggling with it when I am critical, impatient, defiant,
and “snarky” toward my husband—when I refuse to cooperate and am unresponsive
to input, when I rush in and take control, when I fail to “provide space” to
allow my husband the opportunity to be a man and provide godly oversight for
our family. In other words, it’s not readily apparent to me when I’m
submitting, but it’s painfully obvious to me when I am not. I sense that I am
disrespecting/ disregarding my husband, taking control, and pulling against him
rather than for and with him.
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